Big Damn Heroes

This time last year, me and Mom were getting ready to head up to the hospital, to have a last little bit with Dad before we pulled the plug on him.

I don't think that I'll ever forget standing by his bedside in that damned ICU cubicle with Mom and Kathy (Mom's sister) and Janice (Mom's sister-in-law) and Mark and Jan (Dad's brother and sister-in-law) and Lisa and Larry (Dad's sister and brother-in-law). Janice was the one standing beside me, and I'm glad of it, because Mom was on Dad's other side, and I don't think I could've stood it if anyone else had been there trying to cling to me.

Janice and I have a long, complex history together, but there are reasons why I actually prefer having her around during emotional situations like that.

In a funny way, this has been one of the better years. I'd feel guilty at the oddest times, mostly when Mom was breaking down or in tears or having one of her moments, because I wasn't having them.

But then I realized, I had them a long time ago.

( Cut for length, melodrama, personal backstory, and possible psychosis. )

But I still feel guilty that I don't feel bad about it.

Inspiration, where hast thou gone?

Even though I got a flu shot, I swear I'm getting the flu or have had it. Me and Mom both, sicker than shit. I think mine's a sinus infection, really, although when Mom bitches about how her head hurts? I had the pleasure of telling her, "welcome to my life." I keep a sinus headache most of the time anyway.

What really sucks is, me not feeling good is making homework a bitch. I don't want to do it, it's hard to concentrate on it, and I have to do it anyway. Blah. It's sucking the life out of me. If the weather would just... decide what the fuck it's going to do, and stay that way, I'd actually have a chance to feel better.

Screw you, Mother Nature.

( Long ass rant about Supernatural )

Do you know what I haven't done since 2004?

I haven't watched a single thing Christopher Reeve had ever been in. It made me cry. It hurt; I've long had an almost unnatural attachment to the man, before and after his accident, and I'm sure a lot of it had to do with the fact that to me, he is forever and always Superman.

But not all of it.

He was a lot of other things too (which, I admit, most of which are embodied BY Superman, but they were also a part of him), like brave, and courageous. He didn't give up, he didn't stop fighting, and he fought for other people.

Not five minutes ago, I just finished watching Rosetta, because I am re-watching the first four seasons of Smallville. And I bawled. I'm bawling now, even as I write this.

But I'm also inspired again. I've talked to ramjaane a lot and landed a little about it, but I haven't been inspired lately. landed is writing some PSLs with me, ramjaane is sharing a universe with me, and I feel like I've been letting them both down because my work hasn't been the usual stellar quality I expect from myself. I've complained and whined that I'm tired, that I don't feel good, that I don't have anything to write about, and they've both listened and helped me work through it. I've whined and complained that school's numbed my buns and my brain, and they've both laughed and cut me breaks.

Tonight, I'm inspired again. Tonight, I'm reminded of all the reasons that I loved Christopher Reeve so dearly, all the reasons that I love the Superman mythos and the Superman character, all the reasons I hate what Smallville did. But most of all, tonight I'm inspired to shut the hell up and get back in gear. Because if he was strong enough to fight through all the adversity he faced?

Then I can suck it up and deal with school and everything else.

Thanks, Chris. I needed that.

|

Been thinking about a lot of things lately.

( Nothing to see, move it along, I'll never tell. )

In short? The cheese is trying to slip off my cracker, but I'm holding it on there with friggin' superglue and bubblegum.

Today has been... odd. I got sick yesterday, some kind of stomach bug, and I've been sleeping all day. And yet, I'm aware that it's Father's Day, and I'm very very cranky and crabby about it. Or maybe just upset.

This is the first year I don't have my father. He died in January, so wow, Christmas is sure gonna be fun this year. But this is the first big hurdle, Father's Day. Sometimes when I think about it, my chest gets heavy and I can't breathe; I feel like it's suffocating me. Once that passes, I feel an almost guilty relief, and I feel worse about it.

And I can't talk to my mother about it, either, because she's walking a fine line as it is, plus their anniversary is coming up July 11th. She'll be a total mental case then, and I'll have to be strong enough to help her through that.

And then it's been exacerbated by some of the things on TV; Dad was a NASCAR fan, big time, and hearing about all that isn't bad enough, but every year, there were two things he looked forward to; a charity race called Prelude To The Dream and the announcement and induction of the year's NASCAR Hall of Fame class. Advertisements and news stories on both of those have been on the television almost non-stop lately, and it's made me want to throw things.

This whole weekend has made me want to throw things.

As June 5th draws closer, I get more and more nervous. Why? Because that's the day I go back to college. Technically, it's just the placement test AT the college, but unless I like... colossally flunk every question, I'm pretty much in like Flynn.

The thought of it is making the acid in my gut churn like a motherfucker.

Although I know it will be good for me, I am terrified at the thought of going back to school. I'll be 35 in October; I never thought of myself as one of those adults who went back to class. I saw them when I was in college the first time, my mom was one of them. She went back to school in her forties to get her LPN degree at the same time I was taking my classes.

I had a car accident, broke my ankle, withdrew from the current semester, and never went back. Instead I went to work full time at the market research office I was at, and then left in 2004 because they wanted me to be full-time manager, go to Florida, and shit like that. I was not going to do that, and so, I quit. Three years later, Dad got hospitalized, spent a year in hospitals and rehabs, and I became his live-in nurse.

He passed away in January, and I was faced with the daunting decision of what the hell to do with my life. I chose to go back to school; my friends have supported me. ramjaane and Silvarbelle have both given me variants on the "IT'S ABOUT GODDAMN TIME, FIDIOT" line, and my family has as well.

But still, it's daunting as hell. To amuse myself, I imagine myself in the first minute of a Twisted Sister video, but unfortunately, my answer isn't a crashing guitar chord and some strobe lights. It's something a hell of a lot more real.

What do you want to do with your life? is the question. And the God's honest answer is, I don't know.

Apparently I am a glutton for punishment.

One of the archives (really, the only archive I use; I've got less than a third of my work up at Skyehawke) I use for posting my stories has implemented a new "kudos" system, where you can click a story and give it a kudo, and the author gets a little email notifying them about it.

Well, I've gotten a ton over the last few days, and that's made me want to update it. So I'm printing out a (11 page) list of the (153 at last count) stories I've posted on the archive, to compare with what I've got on my hard drives, and I intend to update what's missing.

Trouble is, I've got three computers to check (the old desktop, dad's old laptop, the new laptop), plus a fic journal (sidekickgeekgrl @ livejournal) and my closed LJ (kelex @ livejournal).

Jesus. Frelling. Christ. I don't know why I take these things on. Allyboo helped me last time I did this, and that was just for my personal website which doesn't exist anymore. (long story. And I still don't know why x10 hosting kicked me out.)

Freddie, my dear darling wonderful friend, if you and me ever manage to coordinate our online times, I might enlist you to talk me off the clock tower when I get so tired and frustrated that I'm ready to screech.

That fucking bitch. She's got the nerve, the GALL, to accuse me of wanting to pack up everything that's remaining of Dad like he didn't even exist.

Fuck. Her.

Ever since Dad died, I have been doing my absofuckinglute best to be the good daughter. I have tried to make things go smoothly, to be easy, I have done everything that I could to make it easier on her so that she didn't have anything to handle, and what the fuck do I get for my trouble?

Bullshit, Sam. Bullshit.

And you know what? I'm not going to take it anymore. She can deal with her own goddamn crap some other time, because I'm not going to put up with it.

Yes, it helps me to pick things up and put them away. I don't know why it helps. I wish that I did, I wish that I knew what the fuck it said about me that putting things away makes me feel better. Maybe it's giving me some kind of control over something, I don't know, and right now? Not one fuck given, to quote a current meme.

I'm tired, folks. Prepare to see the hurricane, because the eye is past.

Following up on a facebook entry earlier...

( Oh, goodie. Storytime. Let me get my baabaa. )

The End

all mimsy were the borogroves and the mome wraths outgrabe!

Beware the Jabberwock, my son, the jaws that bite, the claws that catch
Beware the Jubjub Bird and shun the Frumious Bandersnatch.

While I'm absolutely in love with the Tim Burton Alice In Wonderland, I've got a few questions to ponder.

( Obviously, there be spoilers for the movie here )

Oh Frabjous Day, Callou-cally, I chortle in my joy! And really, someone needs to link me to a futterwhacken dance tutorial, because I would like to learn to futterwhacken vigorously.

Most of the time, I'm happy over here in my little corner, playing with my dolls and letting the world's idiocy go by unnoticed or uncommented on, because really, what's it to me? (That's rhetorical, btw.) I have enough on my plate at home, tyvm.

And then I read an article like this and I sort of have to say something.

When did it become the rule that entertainers are exempt from the First Amendment? I had just been discussing this with ramjaane the other evening, and this is an outgrowth of that. From the comments (I realize they're morons.) on the story, I somehow draw the conclusion that it's a horrible, terrible thing that Lady Gaga (who I have no feelings about one way or the other; I just don't care about her.) has opinions.

Last I heard, everyone was allowed an opinion, and everyone is guaranteed the right to speak out about it via the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States. (From the The US Constitution Online:)

Amendment 1 - Freedom of Religion, Press, Expression. Ratified 12/15/1791.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Now, nowhere in there did I see a single word mentioning "except entertainers."

Just because someone has chosen to devote their lives to doing something that makes people happy does not automatically abridge their right to express their opinions. In fact, they've almost got an imperative to do that, given that their fame gives them a voice that you and me and the guy sitting in his Volvo sipping latte and picking his nose doesn't have. Whether you agree or disagree with Gaga, or Bono, or anyone else who throws their two cents out at a concert, shut the fuck up and listen. You might actually learn something.

Today's rant was brought to you by the letters F, U, and a distinct lack of caffeine.

Barring anything unforeseen, I'm going to try to get back in the habit of doing Nanowrimo. I tried last year, but then my Dad ended up in the hospital for a good chunk of November, and so that sort of dashed it.

The up side of that is, Piers Anthony, who is one of my favorite writers in the entire world, actually did a Pep Talk for Nano, and I got to email him. I told him that he was one of my favorite writers, and that I'd tried to do Nano but my father was in the hospital, and I thanked him for being involved in encouraging other people to write.

He wrote back to me, and told me that family should always come first, and that I shouldn't feel bad about missing out, but to keep writing.

That, and the email I got from Bruce Campbell a few years back, are the two things I keep tacked up on the wall in my bedroom.

Once upon a time, I had the dream of being a novelist, and I've pretty much had to let that go. It's more a fantasy now, because I know it'll never happen.

But, like the man said, keep writing. And I do; I write for myself now, and there's not that many people who get to read what I write. But that's okay, because I'm not writing it for an audience. I'm writing it to satisfy my need to write, and you know what? I feel better.

I've got a finished Nano novel, and a finished ScriptFrenzy script, and I think two, maybe three people have read either. A friend and RP partner of mine says she's going to be working on a horror script; I admire her for that. And if she makes it, I've promised that even if I have to hitchhike to Texas, I'm going to come and die in the movie for her.

Maybe that's what I should write about this go round.

I have the insane urge to post something, but I don't know what.

I've not had a fandom now for quite awhile; that's sort of not true. I've been getting back into Buffy the Vampire Slayer and it's sister show (Wait, wouldn't it be brother show? Since Angel is a guy?) Angel, and really, I could expand it and say the Whedonverse in general because I've also been into Firefly. But I'm not active in any fandom like I used to be.

What I write doesn't get published, not really, and you know? I'm happy that way. It lead me to an epiphany awhile back, and that is, I really do write for myself. And I think that's why I was miserable in fandom for so long; what I like writing isn't always the party line. (Gee, me, not going along with the majority. WHAT ARE THE FUCKING ODDS?) I couldn't enjoy what I did write because I was always compromising it to fit someone else's vision, and even then, it wasn't enough.

Now, though? I've written more (page- and word-count wise) in the last... six months, I'll say, than I had in years, and enjoyed every single word of it. I've (re)discovered the fact that I like writing female characters; I've (re)discovered the fact that I like writing and developing original characters. I've (re)discovered the fact that I write better with a partner, or at least, someone to share with and work out plots and ideas with. Lastly? I've discovered the fact that I don't have to have anyone's approval of a goddamn thing I do.

I've also rediscovered the fact that I like watching TV and movies. For awhile there, it was a real chore turning on the TV, but I've found a few shows that I like. Burn Notice, NCIS, maybe that new Covert Affairs. Disney XD is still showing Gargoyles, and boy, it makes me miss Blazing Dragons. I don't care if Supernatural comes back or not; I don't care if One Tree Hill goes off the air. TNT re-runs Angel, Logo re-runs Buffy, and both me and my mom are getting hooked on RuPaul's Drag Race. I've got nearly every movie I like on DVD (I'm just waiting to get Repo! The Genetic Opera), and I'm currently saturating myself in David Bowie's bulge Labyrinth. I'm eager to see Drag U this summer. My DVR is full of George Carlin comedy specials, Mamma Mia!, NCIS, and Buffy episodes; I'm covered.

Bottom line?

I'm satisfied with my writing right now. Who'd have thought it.

10 FAVORITE CHARACTERS
10. Angel
9. Captain Mal Reynolds
8. Hikaru Kurosawa
7. Kristen Bell
6. Asmodeus
5. Shiva
4. Spike
3. Veronica Mars
2. John Winchester
1. Beth Holden

9 PBs YOU'D LIKE TO USE
9. Eric Johnson
8. Yoshito Endo
7. Kristen Bell
6. Alona Tal
5. Nathan Fillion
4. Saif Ali Khan
3. Vidya Balan
2. Shahrukh Khan
1. Jeffrey Dean Morgan

8 SHIPS YOU'VE LOVED
8.
7.
6. Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester
5. Bruce Campbell/Ida Gearon
4. Shiva/Kali
3. Chad Michael Murray/Jared Padalecki
2. Kristen Bell/Bruce Campbell
1. Beth Holden/Angel

7 CHARACTERS THAT MADE AN IMPACT ON YOURS
7.
6. Jessica Moore (IJ game) Jessica helped John so much, even if she didn't know the extent of it. She talked to John about both his boys, let him know that they were okay, that there might even be room for him in their lives, and that helped him more than he ever told her.
5. River Tam (IJ game), because although she and my Mal were from two different points in continuity, she was starting to show Mal that she was growing up, it was still okay for him to care about her.
4. Bruce Campbell (LJ game), proved to my girl that she didn't have to change, despite what she was being told by everyone else. He loved her for who she was, without change, shepherded her through some of her worst times ever, and most importantly, he was her friend through thick and thin. Nothing could've come between these two.
3. Jared Padalecki (PSL), and lord, do I not EVEN know where to start. He took Mister-I-Have-Three-Names-With-My-Initials-Tatted-On-My-Shoulder, and has patiently taught him how to be an adult, how to have a relationship, and how to organize his life so that he could be a successful significant other, and how to have an equal, grown-up relationship.
2. Spike (vampirewithsoul), because he has "fixed" nearly everything that was wrong with Riley, and taught Riley that he was still a loveable person.
1. Angel (broodypants), because he's been a huge huge influence on Beth. He's teaching her a lot about waiting for what you want, having patience, and loyalty.

6 MEMORABLE SCENES
6. Spike and Angel on the airplane.
5. Shiva chasing Kali through the park.
4. Kristen Bell and Bruce Campbell. Pretty much everything they did was awesomesauce.
3. Halloween with Spike and Riley. Dr. Frank-n-furter costume notwithstanding, that was the point where I think Spike and Riley both realized it was going to be a real relationship.
2. Gula and Invidia. JUST DO IT ALREADY.
1. Beth and Angel in the library. THEY FINALLY KISSED.

5 FAVORITE GAMES EVER
5. ~themarquee/~aftercelebrity
4. ~dpmod Deceptive Perceptions
3. ~hellocracy
2. ~obvsmythtaken
1. ~chaostheory_rpg

4 CHARACTERS WHO'S CHILDREN YOU WOULD LIKE TO PLAY.
4. Angel
3. Bruce Campbell
2. Johnny Depp
1. Shiva

3 CHARACTERS OF OTHER PEOPLE'S THAT YOU MISS:
3. Ashley Tisdale. She and KBell were BFFL, and I miss that so much.
2. Craigley Parker. PEEN MISSES BETTY.
1. Bruce Campbell. Enough Said.

2 PAIRINGS YOU'D LIKE TO TRY
2. Jeffrey Dean Morgan/Kristen Bell
1. Chad Michael Murray/Hilarie Burton

1 GAME YOU'D LIKE TO OPEN
I already opened it; it's called Chaos Theory.

01. The first character I fell in love with: Ares, God of War if we're talking adult. If we're talking First Ever, the General Lee
02. The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: Michael Weston
03. The character everyone else loves that I don't: Dean fucking Winchester
04. The character I love that everyone else hates: Lionel Luthor
05. The character I used to love but don't any longer: see #3
06. The character I would shag anytime: Ashley J. Williams
07. The character I want to be like: Sam Winchester
08. The character I'd slap: Peyton from OTH
09. A pairing that I love: Willow and Tara
10. A pairing that I hate: I'll have to get back to you on that.
11. Favorite character: Spike
12. My five (other) favorite characters: Lucas Scott, Sam Winchester, John Winchester, Angel, Michael Weston, Sam Axe
13. My five least favorite characters: Dean Winchester, Peyton, Brooke Davis, Dawn Summers, Fred Burkle
14. Which character I am most like: I don't honestly know
15. My deep, dark fandom secret: I don't really have a fandom at the moment, and I'm okay with that.

MAH ICONS.

default	oldest	newest
saddest	happiest	angriest
cutest	sexiest	funniest
fave ship	fave fandom	fave animated
best quote	best textless	best stolen idea
use the most	favorite

HOW MANY ICONS DO YOU HAVE: 105
OUT OF HOW MANY AVAILABLE ICONS SPACES: 300
IF YOU COULD BUY SPACE FOR MORE, WOULD YOU: not at the moment
DO YOUR ICONS MAKE A STATEMENT: I think so
WHAT FANDOM DO YOU HAVE THE MOST ICONS OF: Supernatural, but that's liable to change
AND THE SECOND MOST: Bruce Campbell
WHAT SHIP DO YOU HAVE THE MOST ICONS OF: I don't at the moment, I haven't shipped anyone in awhile.
ARE YOUR ICONS MADE MOSTLY BY OTHER PEOPLE: No.
DO YOU MAKE ICONS: Yes
ARE THEY ANY GOOD: Sometimes
ANIMATED ICONS ARE: cute and fun, but difficult to make

DO THE MEME.
Coding can be found here

Name me any five characters and I'll tell you five (or more) facts about them from my own personal pseudo-canon.

Supernatural, Burn Notice, One Tree Hill (up until Lucas and Peyton leave, anyway), Veronica Mars, Twin Peaks, Brimstone, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Sentinel, pretty much any Bruce Campbell Anything Under The Sun, y'all know what I like.

Gotta love Twitter. I follow Shah Rukh and Karan Johar both, and KJo posted this link on his twitter, tweeting that My Name Is Khan is currently the highest rated movie in theaters.

Which, it is. :D

Yahoo says the ratings change daily, so I screencapped it for those who don't believe.

Here by having my arm twisted behind my back popular demand!